Story - Cell Phone Killer

I am a Serial Cell Phone Killer. I never loose them, ever. But I can kill them with aplomb. I’ve been with Verizon for 8 years and I think I’m on my 20th phone or something like that. Some of the episodes are typical – like dropping the darn thing 50 times in a week – but some of the deaths are spectacular. Like driving over the phone. That one was horrifying… “Wait! I forgot my phone!” only to walk around to the front of the car and see little bits and a very flat keypad. Then we have the phone vs. the hot tub scenarios. I bet I lost a good 5 phones before I gave up talking on the phone while in the tub. The deal with that is that you can, if you are quick, take the battery out and dry them out. They will usually recover. The first time. Do it three days in a row, however, and you are done. Ear pieces help, but only if you can retain the part where you are still connected to the phone and do not suddenly decide to move to the opposite side of the tub, dragging the phone along with you. Cell phones cannot water ski any better than I can and tow rope or not, go down almost immediately.

While the cell phone can endure a certain amount of water, they cannot consume any caffeine at all. Coffee is instant death. Now while I would love to tell you I found this out by spilling my coffee on my phone, I have to admit it was a much more spectacular experience than that. I drive up to shoot a wedding, grab my gear and realize I have my cell. As I live in fear of my phone going off during a ceremony, I randomly toss it onto my seat where the damn thing bounces and lands, no lie, in the coffee cup between the seats. Dead. See? Absolutely amazing – couldn’t do it if I tried to do it, but – get this – I did manage to do it twice. Not once, but twice.

The second time was horrible – my son and I were on some incredible run where we had shot in LA, had to drive to Vegas to catch a plane to Dallas for another shoot, then back to Vegas so I could speak at this convention. With all this going on, it’s imperative for me to have my phone. I manage to play dunken donut for the second time in Texas where I cannot replace my phone for some reason and must return to Vegas to do so. I start using my son’s phone. When our plane lands in Vegas, I make a call while attempting to collect my gear – his phone slips off my shoulder when I get into the aisle and then, due to the stampede of high-hope Gamblers lining up behind me, I was forced forward and managed to step on the phone, taking out our second phone in two days. But I’m not done – l am on a roll. My boyfriend picks us up and out of necessity I take over his phone (I’m supposed to be speaking the next morning and there are lots of event and sound-type people needing to know I’m in the right state). This works for two hours until I leave it unattended for 7 seconds and it gets stolen. 3 for 3. Imagine trying to explain this to the Verizon guy the next day. “Hi – I need three new phones….”

Last year’s episode was sheer stupidity on my part (as opposed to the previous, which was sheer brilliance). My key pad numbers were sticking so I get the bright idea that you can clean this like you can a computer keyboard. You can’t.

And welcome to this years episode. Yes, here I am again. After dropping the phone eighty million times (my next phone is going to have a rubber suit – maybe even a rubber, waterproof suit) I managed to crack the corner of the phone making it a very precarious business – now requiring two hands and delicate handling. That worked for about an hour. Next thing I know, I have half the phone in my left hand and half the phone in my right hand. Murdered. Murdered while trying to explain to Verizon Wireless that I have, in fact, killed yet another phone.

So, the point of all this is, if you are trying to reach me on my phone – which if you are trying to book a shoot, you would be, you will hear a rather cryptic message on my end directing you to another number while I wait for my new phone. Rumor has it that will happen next week sometime when I qualify for my upgrade.

See, it seems that with my last contract renewal, I forgot to get phone insurance.